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Subject: Land of Randolf
Suppose you had a friend, Randolph Snodgrass, who was thinking about starting a new country. He planned to call it the land of Randolph. It was his desire that his new country would be a very religious one.
Pretend Randolph has presented to you the following proposed policies on churches for your evaluation. Think of it as a period for public comment before they appear in their final form as public law - speak now or forever hold thy peace.
The land of Randolph shall welcome all churches of Jesus Christ. In order to exist, a few minor details must first be attended to, however.
1. The church must make application to Randolph, or such person as Randolph shall designate, to exist as a church.
2. If application for a church to exist is approved, said existence is under the jurisdiction of Randolph and subject to all extant and future legislation, decree, and edicts of Randolph.
3. Randolph, out of the abundant grace of himself, bestows a conditional exemption from taxation upon approved churches of Randolph.
4. By applying for existence, churches of Randolph agree to zippest their lips regarding any political opponents of Randolph. They also agree to withhold comment on any pending legislation, decree, or edict of Randolph. They agree not to promulgate religious evaluations of civil statutes, candidates, or pending referendums. Any violation of this prohibition shall result in the revocation of the privilege of tax-exemption, and a probable fine for failure to register as a lobbying organization.
5. Churches of Randolph agree to record all financial transactions and report on the same to Randolph or his designated representative on Earth.
6. Churches of Randolph agree to designate members of their conditional Body (corpus - corporation) to act as volunteer tax collectors, and to withhold such taxes as Randolph shall designate from all employees of the church.
7. Randolph, out of the abundant grace of himself, shall conditionally allow all taxpayers to deduct from their personal tax returns any contributions made to approved churches of Randolph, subject to a threshold percentage of the taxpayers adjusted gross income.
8. No church shall be able to outsource the stewardship of their God's money to the pagan moneylenders, without prior approval from Randolph. Randolph's approval shall be marked with the sign and seal of his greatness and an Employer Identification Number (EIN). The EIN shall be used by the church to obtain a checking account, so that Randolph can easily find, review, and monitor the transactions of the church. (No pagan money lender shall grant a church checking priveleges without Randolph's approval, upon penalty of revocation of their license to exact usury from Randolph's sheep and the banishment of said moneylenders from the limited surety of the FDIC.)
9. Randolph, out of the abundant grace of himself, shall allow licensed ministers of approved churches of Randolph to enjoy the privilege of conditional exemption from the 15.3% Ponzi Scheme tax, though only on their wages as hirelings of approved churches of Randolph. (Cf. Detail #4, and hail the wisdom of Randolph in creating a web of regulations which ensure the peaceable continuance of his kingdom.)
10. Randolph, out of the abundant grace of himself, shall allow churches to support their clergy financially as long as such clergy pay tribute to Randolph on said support. Churches and their clergy shall be allowed to pay lip service to the idea that the money belongs to their God, so long as in practice recognize that the money belongs to Randolph through continued payment of the first fruits of that money to Randolph, in recognition of his ultimate sovereignty over their money.
Also, Randolph wants the churches to know that they have nothing to fear, for Randolph is a great friend of churches. Randolph just wants to make sure that the churches are using his money (or whatsoever thing Randolph shall designate as money) for approved purposes and paying all applicable tithes and tribute due him.
Hath he not been gracious to taxpayers in granting them deductions in exchange for reporting to Randolph exactly how much they contributed to their local churches? And hath he not been gracious to the churches for allowing them to exempt their income (except it be unrelated business income) from taxation in exchange for reporting to Randolph how much its members have contributed, and how much its clergy have been paid? And hath he not been gracious to the churches in allowing them to carry on banking in exchange for reporting to Randolph the location of their financial ledger? And hath he not been gracious to the banks in creating an additional marketing segment for their services in exchange for making available the financial records of churches under their care? And hath he not been gracious to the clergy in exempting a portion of their income from taxation in exchange for agreeing not to speak to political issues? Yea, in all these things Randolph hath been abundantly gracious.
Does all that sound a bit blasphemous? Would your church agree to the policies of Randolph?
Randolph thought it might create a bit of a backlash, so he's considering changing his name to something like "Uncle Sam", "The IRS", "The State" or something that would be more palatable to the God-fearing people of the USA. And he thought it might be good to put together a Tax Guide for Churches and Religious Organizations too.
What do you think? Do the policies of Randolph still seem blasphemous when you replace Randolph's name with "Uncle Sam"?
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