Subject: A Much Needed Laugh-Church Bulletins
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 2006 05:41:45 -0600

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually 
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference fee includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: 
"Searching for Jesus."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8pm in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of 
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your
husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at 
someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care
much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving 
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the 
help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes
of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. 
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" 
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. 
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment 
and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00pm - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 

This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10am. All ladies 
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use
the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church Basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend 
this tragedy.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!